Monday, June 8, 2015

Confessions

In the past week, I've been asked 4 times (that I can specifically count) if I have lost weight. There is no easy way to talk about this and quite frankly, it is an awkward conversion to have with anyone in person, but that is why I blog. The easy answer is yes, but I have more to explain and talk about than a simple "yes".

I grew up wondering what my body genetics would turn out to be considering my mom has always been able to eat anything she wants and not gain weight and my dad could look at food and gain weight. By the end of high school, it seemed like I was taking my moms metabolism weighing less than 115lbs and standing maybe 5'4" tall.

I went to college and somewhere mid-way through, I remember stepping on the scale and seeing 148 pounds. Needless to say, I freaked out. Nine months later, I saw my brother cry for the first time when he caught me in the midst of my coping mechanism, what I can now admit was an [un-diagnosed] eating disorder. Seeing my brother have that reaction to something I was doing was enough to find a means to an end. Apart from my family, I have really only talked to 3 close friends about that period and maybe some day I will elaborate, but eating disorders are never really cured, so it is still a healing process. All I know is that I was not comfortable with my weight, wanted to eat anything and not gain weight, but decided there had to be a healthier way.

I slowly changed my eating habits and carved out the most unhealthy habits I had like; eating fast food daily, drinking soda, snacking before bed, and binging on sweets. Five years later and 28 pounds lighter, I feel like I am finally at a good place physically. So, yes, I have lost weight and I hope that losing 6 pounds a year is healthily acceptable. The image I see in the mirror may always be distorted, but the scale doesn't lie. I have spent countless hours thinking about food and weight, like most women, and don't want to fall into the trap of "freaking out" again.

Honestly, I'm not sure what a healthy weight means for a 5'5" tall woman, but to me, it means comfort-ability. Until recently, I was not happy or comfortable, so that is my answer.

I have mixed feelings when I am asked if I have lost weight. Part of me is ecstatic that it is noticeable and part of me wants to cry when I am reminded every time what I have gone through to make it here. Magazines make me seem fat yet getting the comment " you're skin and bones!" makes me feel unhealthily skinny. I get that everyone's perception is different and mine is likely also skewed, but again, I am finally comfortable and got here in a healthy way.

Thanks for your support and listening.

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

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