Monday, February 17, 2014


“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

I could stop there. I mean that explains so much of what I want to say, but I feel the need to explain some more. 

I've come to terms that my childhood royally screwed me over for the rest of my life. I have plenty of bad things to say to my classmates in Buffalo, Oklahoma who had such an impact on my vulnerable childhood. If any of you (or your families) happen to read this, say a prayer that my blood isn't on your hands, figuratively speaking. You tormented me and treated me in a way that no child should have to live through. I've never heard an apology, but I forgive you. Thanks to my super strong, supportive, loving family who gave me an ounce of confidence throughout the years, I'm here to talk about it. The things I dealt with in Buffalo paved the way for my insecurity in Sabetha, Kansas where I felt little relief from my classmates. I've discussed the details of the "bullying" I went through, so to save time and anger, I am not going to re-live that here today. 

However, I want to blame those years of my life for the personal problems I still face. As a child, the things you hear, learn, and experience effect you for the rest of your life regardless of what aspect of your life they come from. 

I have had plenty of antagonist, mostly ex-boyfriends, point out behavioral issues I have, which is interesting to think about. Let me tell you what, I KNOW I'm not perfect. It's not a hidden secret that I am not perfect, I never will be, but what's the point of you telling me my issues? Do you have your own issues to address first? (Hint: no one is perfect.) 

I know that because I was verbally abused as a child, I have grown to sub-consciously think of myself in a lower respect than my peers. They made me believe that. I don't have the confidence I should perhaps have and it causes me to be jealous more often than not, but it makes me work harder at being confident. It's not natural for me to be confident, I have to fake it or teach myself how to be. That's the easy part. The hard part is actually believing it. 

I also find it interesting that people can accuse me of certain behavioral issues without having an example to support it or even know what they are accusing me of. 

My favorite is when I'm told I don't have a lot of friends. Because I don't hang out with them often because they have just as busy of lives as I do? Or because I don't keep friends who do not treat me as a friend? Or because my best friends live an hour away from me? Or are married? Interesting. Have you counted the number of friends you have recently? Because I haven't. It's quality, not quantity.

When you accuse someone of having a problem, they are more likely to prove why they don't have it rather than work to fix it. So accusations are probably the worst form of solving problems, FYI.

I guess I don't have a great point or realization to this story. Everyone is looking for the perfect companion or friend and that just doesn't exist. The closer you are to someone, the easier it is to see their flaws, but just the opposite, they can see yours. If you morally don't agree or can't handle those flaws, likely you won't be friends. On the other hand, those flaws could help you both grow. I like the saying "you're not perfect, but you're perfect for me". Seems to hold fairly true. 

I also want to say, this post was not instigated by a fight I had with my boyfriend. He is extremely supportive of my past and present and growing together and is considered in the "perfect for me" category. :)

Matthew 7

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