Monday, May 21, 2012

Crazy

As I grow up, things seem to get more complicated. I've known this for years, but who wants to acknowledge this fact?

My emotions are through the roof. I have tons of emotions all of which I show in various ways. Something I've also known for years. I can be a drama queen and exploit those emotions. I've been trying to figure out for a while if having so many emotions is a good thing. My parents tell me yes, some friends tell me no. I think it's both. I'm proud I have/show emotions. That's great! Not everyone posses this talent. Problem is, my emotions often get the best of me. My calmness can turn into raging emotions within seconds I swear. It makes me question if this means I'm bipolar. I don't think so, because my feelings don't seem to be that rapid or diverse in the short term. So then what? What are these ticks that set me off and prevent me from keeping a level head?

So we know I have lots of emotions. Where does this concept get me? It's a big step being able to admit and get to this point, but there's so much further to go. I need to understand control. Controlling the anger, sadness, and anxiety. I must sound like I have so many problems to you at this point. (Stick with me, I'm writing to help myself with the hopes you may learn something too.)

I haven't been able to get something out of my head recently. I hope you don't think I'm crazy for telling the world this, but it was recently suggested that I might have ADHD. I can't stop thinking about what this means. I'm scared to find out if I really do or if I even should, but it makes a lot of sense. The problem with knowing is then dealing with it, and every doctor today would just prescribe meds which I struggle with accepting that solution as right or wrong.
It would explain my struggles in school. My brain is different than most peoples which seems to agree with attention deficit hyperactive disorder. It would explain why the normal way of teaching doesn't work for me. It would explain why my attention span has been like 10 minutes for my whole life. I focus on things I set my mind to, but you know how draining that would be if I made myself focus on EVERYTHING? Apparently harder for me than most people. This would explain my emotional outbursts.Why when I let my guard down, I let emotions fly.

Okay, I'm still at square one. Congrats, I potentially have a problem. Now what? I want to change these problems. Obviously drugs are a fix. But there are so many complications of drugs. How long would I be on them? Would I get addicted? Would it affect my long term health? Do I really need a drug to change me? I want an intangible answer. I want to work on it mentally. I'm a strong enough person, I believe I could do it. I just don't know how. Professional help suggests the obvious answer=medication. I want psychological help. If the answer was easy, I'm sure this would have been taken care of years ago. Thankfully I'm almost done with school. I just wonder if it's something I'll grow out of. Hmmmm

"Turn your burdens over to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will never let the righteous person stumble" Psalm 55:22

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