Sunday, May 29, 2011

Home is where the heart is

I neeeeed to invent an easier way to move. I've moved a lot in my lifetime. Especially since high school. Moving to college dorms, back home for the summer, back to the dorms, to an apartment, to a different apartment. Each time getting rid of unnecessary things, packing, losing things, breaking things. Downsizing and upgrading. Ah! It's just a lot to do and not easy or fun.

So; "home is where the heart is". This was inspired from my short trip 'home' last night. A high school friend whom I'm good friends with through MSOE as well, is moving to Chicago for a job offer and last night was his last night in Wisconsin. I got done with work early and decided to go surprise him in Sheb Falls. Celebrating his goodbye, I obviously ran into a BUNCH of SFHS alumni as well. Kids 3-4 years older and younger than me. It was interesting. People I did and didn't talk to in high school. Point is; being around them all brought us right back to high school. Talking about high school memories, high school friends, gossip. Reminiscing is fun, don't get me wrong, but I'm not the same person I was in high school, but that's how I will always be to those people and visa versa. It was an awkward conversation when the question about where do you go to school and what do you do came up. To the world, MSOE is just another college, I'm just another student with an internship, but telling people back home is weird/different.
Sheboygan Falls reminds me of high school. Things I did in high school. It's hard to see it as anything different. I haven't decided if that's good or bad. It is home. But home is always where my family is, which happens to currently be SF.
Okay, I thought way too deep into my 12 hour trip home. It was spontaneous, I like being spontaneous and what a way to start summer.

To answer my moms question as to how finals went, I feel like I was 2 and 2. Two went good and the other 2 might not have been good....and I actually just found out 2 of my grades, and they're good! One of them was one I thought could be bad. yay.

Oh-and I can't explain enough how much I hate Wisconsin weather. This.Is.Killing.Me. Humid, rain, wind, COLD COLD COLD. Not for me, not for me.

Mk, I think I've gotten enough out for today, and I'm so tired, it's been a long weekend/week/semester/winter for me.

xoxo <3

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Employment: Year 4

Hello world,

Sorry I haven't kept updated on here the past week or so, a lot has happened.
Number 1-I moved this past weekend. New chapter in my life. Getting rid of some things in my life that really needed to go. Bittersweet, leaving a house that I lived in for a year, yeah only a year, but a lot has happened in a year. As an adult, I've had my first experience with major friend "drama". I haven't felt the feeling in years of fighting with a friend over what I feel is stupid stuff. It's sad that relationships get to this point...My biggest regret is trying to make it work. Changing myself to be accepted so that the fighting was put off. Not being myself from the start. :-\

Next--I got a REALL summer job! :-D Working at ABB as an IE intern. Has it set in yet? No. Everything worked out so perfect and happened so quickly, I'm amazed, a little surprised, excited. The usual me with all my emotions.
I submitted my resume last week, got called for an interview Tuesday, and offered the job Tuesday night. Bought my first real suit Monday night, for about a $400 value. This is so exciting in so many ways. First, that I beat my competition. I've been so self-conscious about applying for internships, I always belittle myself. I found it hard even applying for internships because I felt I didn't quite have what I needed or there would be someone better than me. I NEED TO STOP THINKING LIKE THAT! This opportunity has already taught me a lot. I found out that about 16 people were being considered for the position I got. Obviously, I have something that those 16 people didn't have. That's such a great feeling and ego-booster, I needed it! Next--My goal was to get an internship before I graduated college. Check. I'm SO so so blessed to have received this opportunity. Three years in school, in classes, of projects, doing stuff for companies, and now I can work the whole summer for the same company and get experience. I.am.so.excited. It's awesome to put to use what I've been learning in my classes because at times, I wonder why I would ever use certain things.
Another great aspect of this job is the company. It's an international company first of all. Let's hope they need someone to travel! ;) Second, the facility I'll be at is awesome. It's a really nice place and the company is actually very well organized compared to many facilities I've been in.
I could really say much more but we'll see how everything goes. I'm starting Tuesday. Talk about jumping into things. My last final is tomorrow at 11 and I'm done with my junior year. I'll be taking 2 classes over the summer which shouldn't conflict with my job because they are night classes, only 2 nights a week.

Alright, well I have my last final tomorrow I want to study more for. Goodnight, again thanks for your prayers, God has blessed me yet again.
:-D

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

bl00d

Its purple, its blue, you see it as red. It makes some people sick, some people love it. I donate it.
Correction; I try to donate it. I've been attempting since I was 17 and able to. I got denied numerous times (like 8 or 9) because of my lack of iron, but I now take iron tablets and have figured out how to get my iron high enough on the day I donate. I still get denied sometimes. Anyways, this past week, the blood center was on campus so I decided to try donating. I was pleased after passing the iron test and getting my vitals checked. I laid on those uncomfortable stretcher things, with a skirt on, waiting for my nurse. She could tell I was nervous when she got the needle out and told me I should probably look away. I said; "I can take the pain, I just don't like needles." Anyways, it was in and the process began. I was told to uncross my legs to promote blood flow which was not cool 'cause I was wearing a skirt. A few moments in, she said my blood wasn't really flowing. She's sitting there twisting the needle, pushing and pulling. I'm clamping my jaw and squeezing that dumb stress ball every 5 seconds as instructed.
I am staring into space trying not to think about the needle in my arm that is being shoved around in my arm as I become way to comfortable on the stretcher thing. I think to myself how nice a nap would be because I'm so tired. BEREA! I think to myself, am I passing out? My eyes are open and the room begins to fade. My head does a bobble and the nurse asks if I'm okay. I say, "uhm I don't think so". She calls over another nurse and they lay me completely down and ask how I'm feeling. I said, warm so they put a wet towel on my head. The nurse takes out the needle and explains I had a blood clot.
After all that and my blood will likely be thrown away. Sweet.
I didn't save a life. I just felt sickly all day.

My brother made a good point though. I've been denied more times than I've actually given (twice I think?) yet I still try. Why not? I know my blood's good, I know people need it. Reason enough.

For the life of a creature is in the blood, and I have given it to you to make atonement for yourselves on the altar; it is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life. Leviticus 17:11

Fight or Flight?

Granted we aren't animals, I think this psychological theory pertains to humans as well.
There is a 3rd option; 'freeze', but it's not as often talked about.

This blog post was inspired by something that happened recently to me, which I'll explain in a bit. But, it got me wondering; what is my response in stressful situations?

I'm standing in front of a class full of people; classmates, professors, clients, presenting them with 10 weeks of information, work, findings, preparation. Trying to pretend my nerves aren't getting the best of me and I'm completely prepared. The 10-15 minute presentation is over, a sigh of relief, now to answer questions, the easy part, right? I've been working on this project for 10 weeks, what could I possibly NOT know about this project, right?
Question after question seem to be repeated like no one's understanding. What did I do wrong? What didn't we cover? How did I fail to communicate? It's horrible being compared with other groups that presented before you. You can't say you don't compare when you listen to multiple presentations in a row. Anyways, I felt very attacked today. I kind of freaked out. I was embarrassed, angry, disappointed. My team did most of the talking at this point. I think it was better at the time for me to keep quiet, 'freeze', or I may have began to fight. I don't know if this has ever happened to me before. I've had presentations where the audience is critical with the questions, but I handled it very well, why not today?

Granted this is only one situation, but it made me wonder what kind of person I am. I critique myself way too often, but I'm just trying to figure out this Berea girl I've been living with 20+ years.

Walking alone at night stimulates all my senses. I'm constantly monitoring my surroundings and everyone within eyesight of me. Thinking to myself what I'll do if someone gets too close or touches me. I used to be a runner, I could run. I'd have so much adrenaline, I'd probably be able to put up a decent fight, but it all depends on the situation. The fight or flight theory, says that animals evaluate the situation. They read behavior between the other animal as to what would be the best alternative, and I find that highly conducive. It depends on a myriad of things. If I'm back into the corner, there's obviously no where to run. If a 5'0'' 60lb person is trying to steal my purse, I'd have a good chance of winning so why wouldn't I fight, those kind of things.

Anyways, my presentation just scared me today. I wasn't myself and it didn't make me happy is the point of the story I suppose.

I want summer. I want warm weather.
^^Happy Berea

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dear Monday,

You are the most difficult day of the week. You begin when the weekend is not ready to end. You come with gossip, news, and work. I'm sorry you seem to be the guinea pig of the week, but you rarely offer good news. I most often wish I could skip you. I'm sorry, I am still thankful you add an extra 24 hours a week to my life.
With Regards,
Berea

This Monday was not much different than others. It's the beginning of the 9th out of 10 weeks in our semester. While most other schools are in finals week, less than a week from the freedom of summer, not us. It's hard to stay focused this close to the end, yet the cold weather and thunderstorms don't make me wish I was at the beach rather than in class at the moment. I had a test today which was a little rough. I picked my friend up from the airport which was followed with hours of hearing about her trip and relationship issues. It was the much needed escape I needed from my apartment, room, desk, computer, yet lent no help to the studying I need for my next test tomorrow.
My brain seems to stimulate after 10pm. I can think, I can study. It's weird and I might be getting back into my bad routine of throwing off my sleep schedule. Let's pray it doesn't get that bad again, I don't think it will.

I've been trying not to tan as much lately, but I went today. We had thunderstorms this afternoon when the sun left around noon, never to return. I layed in the bed for the 9 minutes of sun I get. Listening to music about summer, not chosen by myself. Sweating. The lights went off and goosebumps covered my body. I stared at the reflective glass for a few seconds dreading going back into the gloominess today had to offer, partly wishing I could stay in a warm bed all day. But as eminem would say; "Snap back to reality". My 9 minutes of sun and heat were gone and my day continued.

Relationships continue to baffle me EVERY day. Lately, co-ed relationships. What it is I want or am looking for. Why I don't want what others want for me. Why I can't get what I want?! Talking about boys on my blog is kind of awkward though because who knows who might be reading this. I do miss my weekends of relaxing to a new movie or going on a date with a boyfriend I'm totally comfortable with. There I said it.
I hate listening to couples fight and argue almost as much as I hate awkwardly perfect couples. When they fight I want them to stop taking what they have for granted or to not be in the situation that is hurting them both. And happy couples just make me jealous, plain and simple.

I'm down to 3 weeks to find an apartment. Yay Berea. Stressss.

Well, congratulations, we've made it past Monday.

Monday, May 9, 2011

It isn't hott until I'm sweating.

Happy late mothers day.
Happy Birthday to my 25 year old brother :)

Berea's weekly Wisconsin weather update: A weak high of 58 today was sure awesome weather for the Wisconsinites. My 3rd day at work today I worked outside mostly with 17 tables occupied for about 3 hours. I was in a long sleeve and a knee length dress. My hands were pretty cold. Like I said; it isn't hot til I'm sweating. I took a nap today with my heated blanket on. May 8th, heated blanket. :-|
First weekend at work was a success. The food I've eaten has been delicious and what I haven't eaten also looks delicious. Everyone really seems to get along which is an improvement over some places I've worked at or noticed within the first few days, hence why I quit one job after training. I don't think that's a bad reason or makes me a bad employee at all. It's bad for the company if the work atmosphere is not enjoyable, the company is missing out on good employees.
I miss warm weather. I miss my cat.
I need to find an apartment.
Back to school tomorrow, the weekend was again too short. I can't believe it's week 9, this semester has gone so fast. No, this year has gone so fast in hindsight. I have an EE test tomorrow so keep me in your prayers! Thanks!

6th Commandment: "You shall honor your father and your MOTHER so that you may live long in the land the Lord is giving you."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

You Always Want What you Can't Have

(Can some English major tell me what in that title should be capitalized 'cause it's bothering me?)

So, I do a lot of complaining, which is horrible, because I have so much in my life to be thankful for. I don't know where to begin, yet I do.
My family. Mom, dad, Isaiah, hopefully you'll all be proud to read this but I mean it with all sincerity, even as the baby devil child I can be. My brother and I ask each other all the time how our parents did such a good job raising us. Even with my dad being a pastor, I wasn't pounded into a strict religious cult or crazy rules. My parents didn't let me run the streets or not look out for me. I had a mere 10:00 curfew all through high school that kept me out of trouble and taught me many lessons. I ate family dinner and watched the news at 5:30 almost religiously for the first 18 years of my life. I couldn't be more thankful for that. I was given enough to be spoiled but not so much I was self-centered or ungrateful. Point is; my family is pretty awesome.
Next, I must talk about my friends. I've had quite a few people in my life who have been horrible friends for numerous reasons. I don't blame them or I, because everyone is different and you can't please everyone, I think that is totally okay. But on the other hand, I've had friends in my life mean the world to me. A good friend is irreplaceable. They know you, your secrets, your flaws, your personality, attitude, story, and still like you. I recently said to my best friend; "I'm glad that we can complain and be upset together rather than complain and argue to each other." There's a big difference. Anyways, I'm thankful for the friends that know and accept me because I've had a lot of people not accept me and it hurts. Those people have only made me stronger and more able to stick up for myself, so thanks to you too.
I'm thankful for my "thinggggs", as my dad would say. Yeah, they're only things, many of them can be replaced, but I'm so blessed to have it all. Clothes, jewelry, electronics, food, furniture. Everything, more than I need.
I'm thankful for school and 2 jobs. I am being educated. I wish I knew the statistics for what percentile I fall in for being educated compared to the world. I'm positive I'm in the top half maybe even forth or higher. I'm so thankful for the opportunity many people don't have. Having 2 jobs is also better than most. I know they are only service industry jobs, but I don't care. It's money and I work for it. I'm thankful for employers who see me as a good worker. Thank you.
I'm thankful to have a license and a car. (Not so much gas prices right now.)
I'm thankful for my genes. Mom, dad--you are beautiful people, but I don't know how you had such a beautiful daughter. (Wow, I sound lame and conceded, but that's not what I mean.) You deserve it more than me. The amount of times I get compliments are sometimes overwhelming, but I try not to let it influence my behavior. I'm not into myself and I don't think I'm "hott", probably not even as confident as I should be, honestly. BUT, the attention is nice, deep down, and I'm glad God has blessed me.
I could make a list of everything, but it would really be quite long and I've talked about the top things so far.
These are the things that put the smile on my face. That makes it so that I get compliments on my pearly whites.
Don't think I have forgotten about the thing I am most thankful for. The person I cannot see, yet still believe. The person who has given me all I have to be thankful for. The guy that helps me make decisions and keeps me safe. God. He's totally the reason our family is blessed in so many ways. Go ahead and judge me, that's not important to me.
It feels good to express my thankfulness, I don't do it enough and don't want to sound like I'm bragging.

<3 Much love <3


Rom 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The 5th of May

Cinco de Mayo. Really?

I can't believe it is celebrated so heavily in the U.S. I bet most of the people I would ask if they know what Cinco de Mayo is would have no clue, yet will be celebrating (drinking) for it. Just like St. Patrick's Day.
As I get older, some holidays just mystify me. Like mothers day, fathers day, grandparents day, valentines day, etc. I feel like these holidays should be celebrated every day of the year, just like Cinco de Mayo, for people who actually know what they're celebrating. If you love someone, shouldn't you tell them every day, why is one day alloted for it?
I don't know if it is because I am in college or live in Americas most drunk city (according to Forbes) or both, that any reason to drink is reason enough. Drinking is a whole different story and I prefer not to talk about it considering where I live and who might be reading this. Whatever the case, I know of at least a handful of people who will be "celebrating" this holiday when they don't even support the cause.

Whatever the case, Feliz Cinco de Mayo.
Stay safe Milwaukee!

Lies

"At least it's nice out today" is what I hear from across the room.
My stomach drops, my heart cries, I'm speechless.
It's 50 degrees out. Sunny, I suppose. But what does the sun mean when it's still cold and windy?
People are still in their coats, me in my winter coat. I have flats on and my feet feel the cold wind.
I long for flips flops, shorts, skirts, dresses, and bikinis.
Driving with the windows down, tan lines, cooking out.
It's been 8 months since I've seen "NICE" weather in Wisconsin. Even if we say September had nice weather and May isn't over yet, Oct., Nov., Dec., Jan., Feb., March, April. So 7 months.
I would be okay with cold and snow November-February. That's it.

Finding an apartment is killing me. I have less than a month. It seems all the nice, cheap places I call say, sorry we have no openings. Crap.

I start my new job this weekend, but I haven't gotten my schedule. Interesting. I think it comes out Thursday; tomorrow. I think I'll e-mail my boss now actually.

SORRY TO BE A DOWNER! I have to express it somewhere, and here is the best place for me.
I'm not like this in person. Hopefully....

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Californication

I cried tonight.
It's been about 40 degrees here all day. No sun. So depressing coming home from 70 degree weather.
I love sun. I love the beach. I love mountains. I love cities.
I've tried so hard for so long to be content where I am. I think I've done a really good job. I like Milwaukee. It's really fun in the summer. I have a few awesome close friends. But this weather depresses me to no end. The clouds and snow have nothing good to offer me. The lack of Vitamin D in everyone around here is not healthy.
Being back makes me so sad. California seemed so happy. In some secret way I was hoping that after visiting, I wouldn't like it as much as I had hoped I would, but I was pretty far from wrong. Walking outside here is just so sad. Honestly. That's why I cried.
I don't want to hear your sympathy. I don't want you to feel bad for me or tell you how much you don't like it here either. I don't want to offend you for not liking it here as much as you, I'm glad you can be happy in this state. Not every place is for everyone. I tried so long for this to be my place, but my vacation just proved me wrong.

Why do I cry so much?....I'm not scared to cry. And I think it's very healing. Not everything makes me cry and I'm not a cry baby, but it's just another emotion I express.

Enough complaining. My life could be way worse.