Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Happy Hump Day

This title isn't mean to sound suggestive, Wednesday is obviously hump day because it is the middle of the week. Technically not this week because Spring break starts Friday so campus is closed and I don't have class or school Friday.

This is Passover and obviously Holy week. I'm excited for Easter, I just wish we had weather like back in Kansas, I really miss it.
It's been so cold here. It's 38 out right now, the high isn't supposed to be much more than that. It's so sad, depressing...
At least I am at school like 10 hours a day and inside where I don't have to see the depressingness...haha.

Classes are still going well. I definitely feel like we have a ton of projects or lab reports due every week on top of classes, quizzes, and tests. My head is above water and I'm staying caught up pretty well. I'm so much less stressed than last semester for sure.

This weekend is going to go fast. I like having things planned, but it's sad, because time always go fast when you're staying busy. I want to go home for the weekend to save money and take a vacation like this week off is supposed to be. Good Friday church, my mom wants to go help my brother move in Iowa, Alyssas birthday, Easter. AAH.

When the weather sucks, it's hard to stay motivated. I get so depressed and lose all my motivation to do anything, I just want a cup of coffee and the comfort of my bed or tanning to get vitamin D and be in a bright environment.

Which leads me to an interesting conversation; tanning. I have 3 main reasons I tan. To get a tan(1) which leads to me feeling more confident about myself which makes me happier(2) and to get Vitamin D(3). I found out some interesting things though. I use what are called high pressure beds, not to be scared by the sound. One bed uses UVA and UVB beds, where as typical ones only use UVA. UVB rays are actually believed to reduce chances of certain types of cancer, not skin cancer though. The only problem is that beds with a higher UVB ratio as compared to the sun produce less levels of Vitamin D, which is defeating the purpose. Obviously tanning comes with a huge risk of skin cancer. This terrifies me because I've been tanning for a while. THIS IS WHY I need to live in a state where I can get natural sun more than 2 months a year!


It's raining, it's pouring

So this post was written yesterday, but I'm posting it now, sorry for the delay....

Hello world,

They didn't lie saying April showers bring May flowers. Let's hope it gets warm enough in May for anything to grow or bloom. I'm really trying to stay positive though this less than great weather, but it's really hard. My motivation is leaving for California next week. It's exactly 30 degrees warmer there right now. I'll take it!!!!

I signed papers today for my new job, so I'll say today is my 1st day of employment, I suppose. 4-19-11. I felt bad because I can't train right away. This weekend I'm going home for Alyssa's birthday and Easter, then next Wednesday I leave for 5 days in California. :) At least she hired some other people that will be able to start training then, but I still feel bad.

I'm still on the fritz about moving. It's so hard finding a roommate(s) and I've had such bad luck in the past, I'm starting to think it's my problem, and maybe living alone would be okay...in which case, I'm getting a cat! I've been searching...It wouldn't be too hard to take care of and certainly entertaining. Enough about me sounding like a crazy cat lady.

Friday, April 15, 2011

April Showers bring May Flowers

Oh the tease this Wisconsin weather is. Would you believe me if I said it was in the 70's this week and the very next day the high barely reached 40?! I went from a skirt to my winter coat and boots. NOT FAIR! I leave for California in 13 days; are you sick of my countdown? Haha

School is the same, I am keeping busy basically 100%. Projects, labs, assignments, quizzes, tests, there is always something.

My summer became a little more clear as of yesterday. I've been searching craigslist for anything and everything I may be qualified for as far as a summer job and applying. The basis to this story is I applied one night and got hired the next day at a place called the Hi Hat Garage. I will be starting as a hostess. I'm quite excited for a relaxing so to speak summer. I will be taking 2 summer classes Mon-Thur and will be working on the weekends. I've told the bookstore I'll still come in when they need me, but not to count on me for full or even part time. Anyways, I'm very glad to have been offered a job. The interview went very well and I am proud.

As for a place to live I'm still freaking out. I want a place and I want to be moved out. I don't want to pack, I am dreading that.

I'm going to Oshkosh this weekend for a friends birthday, which I am excited for because I've never visited any of my friends in Oshkosh before.

For other news, I got a free month of tanning because I explained my displeasure with the service I have been receiving and they actually did something about it. I'm glad to know customer service still exists. :)

Happy Friday all! Have a good and safe weekend.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you" 1 Peter 5:6

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

So it IS my fault

Let's just say, for a minute, that the problems in my life are solely my fault. The friendships that are ruined are all because I'm the bad friend, for example. Hm. Then why would I ruin a relationship(s)?
If they don't make me happy. That's my best answer.
Alright so this is all an example. Going with the example, that it's all my fault, why does it all make me feel horrible? Why would I be sad losing a friendship if it was my fault? Well, there are a lot of reasons and this can all go in a big circle, I'm just writing because I'm confused.

I think I have expectations for my friends; as I would a boyfriend. I think these are based on past friendships. What we want and don't want. You know within a short time if a person of the opposite sex would be compatible with you, I think it's the same with friends.

Soooo why force a relationship that you know is against the odds to work? Good question, people are unpredictable, so we may never know.


Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm sorry?

I'm sitting on my balcony, with the smell of Spring barbeque's, watching people walk by in their "summer hoodies", watching squirrels that probably have rabies. One of the few places I have close to my house to escape. It was in the 60's today and you bet I was wearing shorts and a long sleeved tee. Such a sad realization living in Wisconsin, but it's what I have now, so I might as well enjoy it.
I don't enjoy being sick. Congested as you couldn't believe. I for sure have some sinus issues going on right now. I think it might be getting better though.

I did relatively well on my 2 tests last week, I'll take what I got.
I went to my first Brewers game Saturday which ended as a big win over the Cubs. 5-0. We finished out winning the series 2-1. It was awesome and I can't wait to go to more games this summer, it's very fun.

Have I ever said I like blogging because I don't have a teacher analyzing all the mistakes or stupid errors, because it's my own writing and I still get compliments on it? Well, that's one reason.

Alright, so the title of this blog was created because I've been told numerous times in my life that I say sorry too much. The first time was being a waitress 2 summers ago a table told me that. Ever since I've had a few people here and there say the same. I just hate things being my fault so I think if I apologize, it will remove doubt of it being my fault. Obviously some people get annoyed of it, I don't blame them.

So I've learned I over analyze. I realize it, people tell me, but I don't know how to change. I mostly over analyze about myself, because I'm trying to learn I think. I don't want to be something I'm not but I don't know what that is. HAHAHA. I knowww you're thinking; well just do what you want and that will be you. Well, what if I don't like that person so I try to change? Interesting concept. Meanwhile, I try to surround myself with people that know me and make me happy. I try.

16 days to California.
A month and a half til I move to who knows where.

Two rather large projects due Thursday.
I need to paint my toes.
Make dinner would probably be a good choice.
Over analyze some more probably.
Apply for more jobs.

"Everybody dies, but not everybody lives" -Nicki Minaj

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Expect the worst, pray for the best, and be prepared for anything.

Dear world,

ugh.

I'm glad to know I'm not even invited to roommate night at my own house.

I had a great last night with 3 of my closest friends from high school. Great company, adventures, conversations. I had an okay day, nothing special. I closed by myself at work tonight for the first time. I went to dinner at a Thai place with some friends, one of which had never had sushi before, and liked it. More great company, conversation, laughs.

I come home to all three of my roommates watching a movie, drinking wine, laughing. No invitation. I, for one of the few times in my life, give up. I can't force friendships that aren't meant to be anymore. I. can't. believe. it has come to this. It makes me really sad. I've cried over it. This house is not home for me. :( Being happy with people that are friends makes coming home even worse. I hate this feeling. I hate being unaccepted. I hate being hated. I hate being judged. I hate not being able to talk about my emotions to my friends, or hear theirs. It's just a huge stress in my life. And moving in 2 months. uhhh...

And I got a parking ticket today because Milwaukee parking is literally a joke.
And I have a horrendous wheezing cough right now. No idea.
And I have a quiz tomorrow I'm scared for.

What happened to happy Berea? The one that wasn't constantly on a roller coaster between happy and sad?
I'm a big girl. I have dealt with a lot in my life. Road blocks are meant to change your direction. I firmly believe when God closes one door, he opens another. And he certainly answers prayers. :(
Pray for me? :-\

Monday, April 4, 2011

Detox

Cleansing the body of toxins.

I hate when people make me feel guilty. Or dwell on my flaws. Or throw my flaws out of proportion. I will be the first to admit I'm not perfect. Let me tell you, I feel guilty enough about all my actions. Hence my huge inability to be a good lier. I can't lie. You can see it on my face and I get super guilty about it anyways! Whatever, I just am self-conscious, as I've discussed before, and I always think things are my fault without telling me.

My friends feel more distant now than ever before. I've grown so far apart from my roommates. And I feel like its completely my fault for not being the perfect friend. I feel like I shouldn't have to impress my true friends and should be loved for who I am. In saying this, it kills me when people don't accept me for who I am, again it makes me feel like I'm not good enough or I'm a horrible person.

If it's not one thing, it's another. School is going good, so naturally, my personal life sucks.
Freaking out about summer. Job, school, money, house. It's stressful.
I always try to ignore stress and think it will go away with time. On the other hand I deal with it and address it, so idk what's going on.
Part of me wants to run away. Move. Forget it all. But I'm terrified of leaving everything I've worked to build up at such a vulnerable time in my life. I just want someone there when I need it. But not just anyone, cause I have a lot of friends, but only a few close ones.

Is it okay to exclude people from your life that are toxins? Cause I've always felt like it's not. I try to give everyone a chance, hear people out. It doesn't always work that way, but it's how I'd like to think.

Sorry another rough day at my apartment. My life's never boring. ha.