Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Insult to Injury

Here I am, another day feeling like I have let the world down and it's not even noon. I've said how many times how self conscious I am, and I think it goes deeper than most even know. Self-conscious, yeah, insecure, yeah, but I feel like no one cares. (Minus my family). I take things way more literal then they are meant and I don't understand why. I've never understood the whole concept of "I'm just joking". It hurts me, yet I do it to others so that maybe they can feel my pain, but no one shows the emotion I do. "Just joking" might be your way of covering up the truth by making it seem less harsh, in that case, I know you're not joking and the truth hurts. That's not the main issue here though, but I'm not sure what is. I overanalyze everything being said to me and take it all to heart.

Do you know how much courage it takes for someone to truely appologize? Admit fault, deny blame, and forgive? It takes a lot. The guilt I have when something is not right is enormous. I don't brush problems off and try to forget them, I hide them til my conscious can't think about it anymore. I hate blaming people for mistakes. I'll take the blame if that's what it takes because I know in my heart it's not true, and those lying will be punished.

Lying or misunderstanding? 5 different points of view may see a situation 5 completely different ways and who is to say which is true? This is why I take blame. It might be my fault for being unclear, and I will admit to that.

I hate being condemned for problems I don't feel I commited. This taps into my insecurity. Why am I blamed for things I didn't do? Am I so blind that I don't see what I am doing? Open my eyes then. Are you going to yell at a blind person for opening the wrong door?

Friendships still mystify me....

I am so confused. I'm so torn. I feel betrayed. I feel unlistened to. What do you do when sorry isn't enough? When nothing you do is ever the right thing. Welcome to my life.

"For we must stand before Christ to be judged. We will each recieve whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body." 2 Corinthians 5:10

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