Sunday, March 27, 2011

Where for art thou Spring?

I can not stand the fact that it's the last week of march and the high temperatures are still not above freezing. I would even be appreciative of lows in the 30's and highs in the 40's. 50's and 60's would just be awesome. But no. I hate winter clothes. I had cold wind. I hate freezing rain. :-\ This weather is putting a damper on my mood, just get warm please? Today marks one month until we leave for Cali. This crappy weather here just makes me all the more excited to go somewhere warm. I haven't blogged for a while. Nothing extremely new lately. This week starts the 4th week of classes. Things are going well for me so far, but I haven't had any tests yet. A lot of projects though and lab assignments I hope it doesn't get too overwhelming. Work at the bookstore is good. They are teaching me how to close, which is a step up and great that they are giving me that responsibility. I guess being a supervisor at Shopko at age 17, I must be good with leadership.. I'm still looking for a summer job. Top priority is an internship. 2nd is Colorado. 3rd is finding a non-career related job in Milwaukee. That's a lot to figure out in 8 weeks, but it will turn out how it's supposed to. Deep breath. That's all I've got for now. Stay posted!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Insult to Injury

Here I am, another day feeling like I have let the world down and it's not even noon. I've said how many times how self conscious I am, and I think it goes deeper than most even know. Self-conscious, yeah, insecure, yeah, but I feel like no one cares. (Minus my family). I take things way more literal then they are meant and I don't understand why. I've never understood the whole concept of "I'm just joking". It hurts me, yet I do it to others so that maybe they can feel my pain, but no one shows the emotion I do. "Just joking" might be your way of covering up the truth by making it seem less harsh, in that case, I know you're not joking and the truth hurts. That's not the main issue here though, but I'm not sure what is. I overanalyze everything being said to me and take it all to heart.

Do you know how much courage it takes for someone to truely appologize? Admit fault, deny blame, and forgive? It takes a lot. The guilt I have when something is not right is enormous. I don't brush problems off and try to forget them, I hide them til my conscious can't think about it anymore. I hate blaming people for mistakes. I'll take the blame if that's what it takes because I know in my heart it's not true, and those lying will be punished.

Lying or misunderstanding? 5 different points of view may see a situation 5 completely different ways and who is to say which is true? This is why I take blame. It might be my fault for being unclear, and I will admit to that.

I hate being condemned for problems I don't feel I commited. This taps into my insecurity. Why am I blamed for things I didn't do? Am I so blind that I don't see what I am doing? Open my eyes then. Are you going to yell at a blind person for opening the wrong door?

Friendships still mystify me....

I am so confused. I'm so torn. I feel betrayed. I feel unlistened to. What do you do when sorry isn't enough? When nothing you do is ever the right thing. Welcome to my life.

"For we must stand before Christ to be judged. We will each recieve whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body." 2 Corinthians 5:10

Sunday, March 13, 2011

DJ

On the agenda:
-recent natural disasters
-government stuff
-why I love life
-upcoming vacation
-excitement for spring

Future blog topics:
-what friends really mean
-why people only talk to people to get things
-how society has changed since I was young
-what I want out of life

Alright to start; recent natural disasters. Since I've been at college, I rarely watch the news. I did so much during my childhood because we watched the news every night during family dinner. Anyways, I haven't heard as much about the tsunami that hit Japan, but did some research. It takes me back to Katrina. I actually went to New Orleans the winter after it happened, and saw the disaster first hand. Even 4 months after it happened, it looked like it had only been weeks. Everything was beyond moldy, toxically moldy. We wore hazmat suits and face masks. The disaster in Japan is so much worse than Katrina. I've heard the death toll is expected to be around 10,000 2/3 of one town hasn't even been heard from. That's a ton...A magnitude 9 earthquake isn't a joke. After helping with Katrina I would love to help Japan out of this. Not right away, but if I had the opportunity, it'd be cool.

Next on the agenda; government 'stuff'. It's also hard to keep up on not watching the news every day. But the democratic senators returned to Wisconsin. I think it's all a big mess. Every day is a different issue. I don't know how I feel about it. I think there are more effective ways of being heard than protesting. And I think people protest just to protest. I just don't know much about politics and I hate arguing with other people that don't know much either so I usually don't talk about it. I just know it's a mess. haha

Okay; why I love life. People. Uncertainty. Risk. Adrenaline. Every day is a new day and you can't predict what might happen. It's exciting.

I leave for Cali in a little over a month! Bikini body needs to be worked on!! I'm really excited. I don't know how much I can say about it. I'm excited to fly and be with my best friend and warm weather and meeting new people and having some new experiences. woot woot. APRIL 27TH!

Excitement for spring: I HATE THIS COLD CRAP. It hit me when I saw pictures of my friends from Kansas this past weekend; in tanktops. And I'm still in my winter coat. March 13th and its below freezing. Not cool. I'm just ready to stop wearing boots and warm clothes.

Well I've completed the agenda. Thanks DJ for the suggestions :) Enjoooyyy

Thursday, March 10, 2011

HOPE

Thank you mom for our quick chat, gave me motivation and inspiration for this post.

So for those of you not in the conversation with my mom and I she mentioned that I was a beautiful person. Bear with me here, but I chuckled and asked what brought her to say that. She said my blog. I asked her why because I feel like my blog is often me complaining about school, friends, life and talking in circles. She said that I give HOPE. I nevvverrr in a million years would have made this relationship, but I like it, and I like that she noticed that. It got me thinking...
It's so true that whenever I'm sad, depressed, angry, tired, etc., I'm always trying to look forward to the next best thing, whatever that may be. I also try to do activities that cheer me up or talk to people that make me smile or feel better about the situation. I definitely try to do the same for others. I'd like to think I read emotions quite well in people and I like to talk about emotions probably more than most people. I'm totally the type of person that will follow the emotions of those around me whether they be happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. With saying this though, I prefer to be happy and try to infect other people with that emotion. Getting to know people you can learn what makes them happy specifically and what kinds of things instigate less pleasing emotions. Okay, so it was good to hear my mom say I establish a sort of hope. I hope, no pun intended, that this is true and my friends can relate to this.

I also wanted to bring up another point that closely relates to this. I was talking to a friend last night about backpacking. I've gone backpacking in the past and foresee myself doing more in the future. So, he asked me if I can stay calm in high intense situations or deal with scary/possible life threatening conditions. I questioned myself for a minute because I obviously get scared and worried, but how do I deal with them? I looked back to situations I could relate to, and I think I do very well with calming people down. I'll give two examples:
The first was last summer being in Colorado with my best friend, Alyssa. We decided we wanted to do a day hike of Long's Peak. Her having no experience hiking to this extent and I had never been the most experienced hiker, you might have thought we were crazy. (Both also being pretty out of shape.) We reached the keyhole at a little over 13,000 feet. This hike in itself is a whole separate story, but I'll stick to the point. I had been pushing Alyssa to reach the keyhole, which wasn't too difficult because she obviously wanted to get there as well, but upon reaching it I could tell she wasn't in good shape. Neither of us were to tell the truth. But as a leader I was focused on 2 things; 1-staying safe & 2-Pushing ourselves to do our best. Alyssa was almost in tears because of the pain and wanted nothing more than to be back to our car with 5+ hours of hiking left. I'd be lying if I wasn't also, but I tried to hide it. Saying she'd be okay and trying to make her believe everything would be better soon. I was focused on her and less on me. It felt good to be the leader and bringing peace to the situation. I could talk more, but I think you can get the point.
Okay, the second example. This is a more "raw" example, but I think shows my point well. I happened to be at a place where underage drinking was involved and the police arrived at the situation. The hosts were next to hysterical, also being underage. They were not cooperating and only causing more commotion. I felt like I needed to be the responsible one because I saw what they were doing was causing more problems. I took the initiative to calm each one down, showing them that how they were acting was worsening the situation. I apologized to the authorities along with getting the others to as well. I asked what I could do to help and followed directions. Although I might not have saved them from the trouble they were getting into, I was able to gain respect from the police and they recognized that. I left out a bunch of details but at least I was able to get respect from police. I think that shows a lot.

Lastly, I might be faced with challenges, road blocks, dissapointments in life, but I refuse to let them stop me. I so easily could have quit school when it got hard, but that's not my character. I might complain about this or that, but I always try to see the light how ever far the end of the tunnel may be. I understand there will be a light, even if I have to create it...

"You will be rewarded for this, your hope will not be dissapointed." -Proverbs 23:18

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Show Me What I'm Looking For

Big decisions..

I can't really talk about it much on here because the details are unclear but needless to say I have decisions to make. What I've wanted for a long time and now that I have the option I'm trying to convince myself out of it. Don't worry, its nothing bad, I just can't write about it yet. Everyone I talk to says I should take the opportunity yet it still scares me. I honestly haven't had one person say no Berea, this isn't a good idea, including my family. I just need to figure out the details....aaah

Two weeks I'm bringing my car back to Milwaukee! Good decision to not have to deal with winter parking and all that junk, but it's so inconvinient in getting where I need to go. So I'm bringing it back in 2 weeks :)

Okay--this is the section I start talking about friendships/relationships and my confusion with it all. I'm a people person. I surround myself with people all. the. time. Being alone rarely appeals to me. Yet, I continue to meet people that confuse me. I'm sure I am also a confusing person, haha. I confuse myself sometimes. But anyways, people are confusing because no 2 people are the same, obviously. Texting someone every hour might be your way of showing your interest but to that person it might be annoying. Or not talking much might be your way of playing hard to get, but might be understood as you don't want to talk or be friends. Okay so understanding all these signals is the trick. And I hate "the game" because I try to be a very straight forward person...Okay I feel like I'm getting no where because I can't even explain myself..hmmm interesting..

Well I have class soon. Happy 1st week to me.

ASH WEDNESDAY
"For you were made from dust and to dust you shall return" -Genesis 3:19

Sunday, March 6, 2011

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

I. Have. Problems.



We all have problems...

Do you ever look back on a situation and think to yourself what were you thinking? Regret something you said? It's a hard concept; because you question why you said it in the first place. Was it really how I felt? Did I really mean it? And I don't know about you, but I hate holding grudges. I hate people being mad at me for some dumb mistake that was weeks/months/years ago. Saying sorry is a hard thing to do. Admitting you were sincerely wrong...
I think it's easier to forgive; for me at least. Hence the title of this post.
Life is about relationships. Burning bridges doesn't get you anywhere. Especially when fights make you sad, distraught, angry. Life's short; why waste time being angry. Happiness is key.

In conclusion; I ask you to forgive me if I've ever hurt you in any way...
<3

Saturday, March 5, 2011

What does this mean?

Classic Lutheran question.

Questions.

Life.

Where to start?

I'm a hypocrite. I don't always "practice what I preach". It's easy to have an image of yourself that you want to be, but being like your image is a different story. For example, you can say your a Christian because you believe in God. But do you pray? Do you go to church? Do you judge other Christians? Interesting point, but I don't mean to make this a religious debate. I'm just saying this sort of thing is true for many aspects about life. Think about it the next time you're telling someone about yourself. Like, I tell people I like backpacking and climbing mountains. But I do it like once a year....so I'm no where near being considered a "backpacker" but in a way it's what I want people to think when I tell them that. Sometimes when I subconsciously judge someone, I think about me doing the same thing....just awesome Berea. not.

Okay, so I came upon a revelation the other day. It's really had me thinking. It has to do with school and how school doesn't come easy for me like some people. I wonder what I'm doing wrong that things don't click for me like they do for other people. Well, I'm trying to figure that out and I came upon an interesting point. First of all, I think everyone learns different and our education system is messed up for teaching the same, but that again is a different story. Okay. So, I would consider myself more "street smart" than "book smart". I can't really explain this in detail because being street smart is a lot of little things. I think being street smart requires experience and I'd say I've experienced enough things and met enough people to know a lot about the outside world....
But I kind of got off subject and still haven't reached my "revelation" per say. So in one of my classes this semester, I understood the subject material, did great on the homework, but the tests just threw me off. I'm a bad test taker and don't believe testing is a good way of conveying knowledge, but thanks to the American education system, I deal with it. Again, off subject a little. Alright, so I talked to my professor about why this was happening. He tells me that I ask very intelligent questions in class and it seems that everything makes sense until the test. And I agree, I have yet to figure this out. He also said to me one time that my questions are beyond the subject matter. AH HAAA. This has been happening to me my whole life. I never liked talking to teachers/professors, I never really participated as much as I could have in class, so why is this? From a little age I realized some things we were being taught were "not the whole picture". We were taught an equation to solve a problem but in reality so many other factors went into the problem that what we were being taught was only a portion. So I started asking outside the box questions. Sometimes I'd get laughed at or sometimes the teachers wouldn't even want to explain to confuse us. My favorite was when I'd ask "How does this relate to real life?" and they'd say, "well, it really doesn't." So I stopped asking questions. Now outside of school, I'll ask every question I need...
I just know that I learn different than most people and to some company I will be quite the asset. Let's just hope they realize that sooner than later. :)

Happy Saturday

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Figure me out

Once again; there's not a day that doesn't go by about me thinking about writing on my blog. A topic I talk about that triggers so many thoughts that I feel I could talk about for hours. Or I get mad at someone and I just want to vent and think about my blog. But yet I open up to bereaj.blogspot.com and I feel like I don't want to talk to the world anymore. I don't want to anger or offend anyone and sometimes I feel like my true thoughts might do just that and in that case, it's not good to vent. But I have come to the point I have too many things I'm thinking about.

I finished my second semester of this year. It was a bad semester for me, I really struggled. I don't know why. But it's one of those that I thank God for what I learned and I need to move on and pray I do better this semester.

Money is lacking right now. A LOT. Living paycheck to paycheck hoping my bank account doesn't go negative is such a bad feeling. It's so depressing but with how hard school is, it's really hard to fathom getting a second job...

This next topic is something I've really tried avoiding on my blog but it's time to vent. I'm looking for a new apartment/roommates. I am not comfortable in my own place anymore. I don't know what I did to come to this. It honestly makes me feel sick that I can't live with people that used to be my close friends. Did I do something to ruin our relationships? Have we just grown apart? Whatever it is; it's not the same as it once was and it bothers me every day.
Speaking of; my bathroom drain is clogged and I literally can't shower in it. SO GROSS.

My weight continues to bother me daily. I over analyze everything. I get on the scale and yet don't believe whatever it says. I try on my clothes and swear what I'm seeing in the mirror isn't what everyone else sees. When people look at me I wonder what they're thinking about me. I eat dinner and feel so full after like I gained 5 pounds. It's annoying to say the least. But I can't help it...

I wish I knew what I was doing this summer. It's coming way too fast.

So none of this is what I actually meant to talk about tonight. But now I'm tired so the rest will have to wait. Sorry for the crabbiness, didn't mean to be..
I always end up talking about school, money, friends, and weight. They must really bother me. Or I don't talk to them to anyone else so I feel it necessary to blog about them.