Sunday, January 23, 2011

The night is darkest just before the dawn

Why is my heart pounding right now? I am laying in my bed, I have been for 10-15 minutes. I just took my pulse and it was 100. My resting pulse is usually around 60 bpm. I feel like I just sprinted up 3 flights of stairs or I did something wrong that I'm about to get caught for. What is causing this? No idea....

Sorry I haven't talked in a while. Whenever a lot is going on in my life, I tend to stop blogging. Even though I think those are the times I need most to talk to no one about what's going on...

My heart is still pounding, maybe because I don't know how much I should tell the world about my life right now.

Some things on my plate:
My room is a mess right now. Anyone that's ever been in my room knows it is always pretty clean. Sure I've been busy, but a clean room has always been important to me.
Okay, next, I don't have a car right now because my family has it at home. I am already stressed I won't be doing things on my time for the next couple months. I guess this is good because of something you'll see in my next point...
Next point: I have a reaaaally hard time "chilling". I want to be doing something, I want to know what I'm doing in an hour, in 2 hrs, etc. I can only sit on facebook for so long, I can only watch a dumb TV show for so long. I guess I'm scared of not having something to do. Friday at 4:00 rolls around and I don't have plans for the night I get nervous..I don't know, I haven't figured it out yet.
Okay; school.....School. Ugh. I have ultimate Junioritis right now. This semester has been ultra hard on me. I feel like every professor is out to get me. I study and study and study and by looking at some of my tests scores, you'd think hadn't taken 5 minutes to study. It's just really hard on my ego.

BOYS: I am very confused right now. I don't know where to begin. I don't want to leave any details out, because I think they're all important and something I need to talk about. I'll start by saying I am an insecure person. Being alone scares me. I had a 3 year relationship which I have been out of for almost 11 months. I've needed every second of that to learn about myself, but I still find myself wanting a boyfriend. How bad does that sound and why can I not just be fine being single? I mean, I know I can, because I'm sure I could find someone to be my boyfriend if I had that big of a problem. There are a number of reasons I don't want a boyfriend right now including school, friends, and work, but I've made it work before. I just feel I might be more secure with someone there for me when I need, but who doesn't feel like that at least a little. Not to say I don't have awesome friends that are there, but a boyfriend is different.

Next point; I am one of the most self conscious person you will ever meet. This is deep. I am going to blame this on my childhood. To all you people who ever made fun of me for how I look; I want you to know you have ruined a chunk of my life. I'll admit, I hate myself for ever doing this to anyone else. I'm sorry. I'm self conscious because of my guy friends that talk about "hott" girls, and my fear of me not being like that. By telling you this doesn't mean I want sympathy. I don't want you to tell me I'm hott, I won't believe you anyways.

I want a cat. I need a cat? You won't understand if you don't like cats.

My last point; sports 1/23/11. I am soooo sick of hearing about the packers and the bears. You people are crazy. It's one game. Next year, you won't even care about this one game.

I'm kind of running out of motivation for this post. I think I've let off enough steam.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your burdens on the Lord and he shall sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.

1 comment:

  1. I can't help with much of what you're dealing with but I have been there in school. Second semester junior year I got one of my lowest grades in aeronautics, which is what I always thought would be my favorite subject and I even studied like crazy.

    The point is, engineering school is hard and part of the goal is to break you down and overwhelm you, then bring you back and give you confidence and give you a degree. Then when you face pressure in work situations later in life you can say, HA, I've been through far worse!