Monday, January 4, 2010


Here it is, two in the more and I'm not sleeping. This shouldn't come as a surprise to those who know me. My brain and body seem to not understand that they need to go to bed. I feel like no matter what I do, I do all my thinking at night and can't function in the morning, shouldn't this be opposite? So what keeps me up so late:......

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. This comes about from having a break from school, starting a new year, and growing up faster than I want.

I've learned I don't fit in. I'm the baby of my family so naturally, I'm the dumbest. I have the least experience. I've learned I have high expectations for everyone and everything. I have changed myself so many different times in my life to fit in, so I can be happy. I've given in WAY too much to society, but when I try to be different, I only feel more stressed. I haven't figured myself out, so I hate when people think THEY understand me better than myself. I am always worried about something, usually dealing with school or friends.

I wish I slept normal hours and not feel tired.
I wish I was as smart as everyone that calls me dumb.
I wish I was in shape.
I wish I talked to God more.
I wish I had a job to pay for my education.

I wish for so many things.

I HATE jokes, being made fun of, being called dumb, being underestimated or misunderstood.

Why do I have so much on my mind and why do I worry so much? And why am I scared to do what I want?

I want to have a hobby. I want it to be easy to talk to adults. I want to have the nerve to ask for job applications. Should these things be "NEEDS"?

It would be nice if I had fun exciting things to talk about. Isn't it depressing hearing about someone complain? I bet you're thinking, " I have bigger problems than her". Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good things about my life. I could tell you what I got for Christmas, but I'm a little more humble than that.

I wish I could take a vacation to figure myself out. I want to know who I am. Or is that what life is about?

I think I've said what I want. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear. I just needed to write.

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